Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II
by Phoenix Flower
Summary: FINISHED! The cast of Jak II returns to Whose Line is it Anyway?
1. Default Chapter

I got terrific feedback for my first "Whose Line" effort, and I thank everyone who reviewed. Since people enjoyed it so much, I decided to make a second attempt! I still don't own _Jak II, _"Whose Line," or any copyrighted material that I allude to, so don't sue me.

Rated PG-13 for language and sexual references.

**Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II**

by Phoenix Flower

_(Cheers and applause as "Whose Line" logo appears on screen.)_

DREW: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's show…

"Don't have a cow, man." Jak!

"Ay caramba!" Keira!

"Eat my shorts." Torn!

And "I didn't do it." Daxter!

And I'm your host, Drew Carey. Come on down, let's have some fun!

_(Cheers and applause continue as he descends the stairs and sits at the desk.)_

Hello! Thank you! Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"—the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right; the points are just like whether Tess's breasts are real. Who cares one way or the other?

DAXTER: _(grins)_ I hear _that,_ brother!

DREW: The way this show works is these guys are gonna make up everything you see off the top of their heads, based on suggestions written on these cards and suggestions we'll get from the audience. After each game, we give them points that don't matter, and at the end, we pick a random winner. The winner gets to do a little something special with me…

_(Audience hoots. Daxter grins and arches his eyebrows.)_

…and the loser gets to teach Torn to sing.

TORN: _(chuckles)_ Good luck with _that._

DREW: Let's get started with a great game called "Party Quirks." This is for all four of you.

_(Daxter descends to the stage as Jak, Keira, and Torn read their respective cards.)_

DREW: Daxter, you're gonna be the host of a party, and these guys are gonna be your guests. However, these aren't the type of people you'd normally expect to see at a party. We've given them each a strange quirk or identity, written on these cards that they've never seen before. I'll bring 'em in one at a time with the doorbell, and at the end, you'll try to guess who they are. So take it away.

DAXTER: Let's see…nachos—check. Bean dip—check. Twister—check.

_(Doorbell rings. Daxter goes to the "door" to greet Jak. Text on screen reads "Cast of _Jak II_ coming to blows on 'The Jerry Springer Show.'")_

DAXTER: Hi! Glad you could make it!

JAK: Hey. I just wanted to come here today to tell my girl, Keira, that Ashelin and I have been [bleep]ing each other senseless for the past two months! _(To audience:)_ Shut up! Ya'll don't know me! Ya'll don't know me! _(As Keira:)_ Screw you, Jak! Erol's better in the sack than you ever were! _(As Torn:)_ What?! Erol, you bastard! I thought we had something special!

DAXTER: Try not to get blood on the carpet.

_(Doorbell. Daxter greets Keira. Text on screen: "Series of animals getting run over by zoomers." Keira is indicating a pair of yakow horns with her hands.)_

DAXTER: Hey, how ya doin'?

KEIRA: Hi, nice to see you. Ahh, look out! Boom! _(Falls over.)_ Moooo.

_(She gets up and "rings" the doorbell again, and Daxter lets her in again.)_

KEIRA: Woof woof! _(Pants like a croca-dog.)_ Boom! _(Yelps and falls to the floor again, then whines and twitches.)_

_(Doorbell. Daxter greets Torn. Text: "Krew at an all-you-can-eat buffet." Torn is thrusting out his belly and pretending to use a hand-held fan.)_

DAXTER: Hey there!

TORN _(as Krew)_: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck coming out the front door, 'ey. Took a team of firefighters to get me out.

_(Pretends to move through a line while shoveling food onto a plate. Bumps into Jak.)_

JAK _(as Ashelin)_: Oh, no, you did _not_ just shove me—Ashelin!

_(Torn grunts, ignoring him.)_

I know you heard me! I will hurt you; do you understand? I will _hurt you._ By the way, I know what you make Sig do with you every night!

_(Torn pretends to eat ravenously, still ignoring Jak.)_

KEIRA: Meow. Boom! MREOOWW!

DAXTER _(To Jak)_: Get outta here, _Jak II_ cast on "Jerry Springer"!

_(Buzzer, applause. Jak returns to his seat.)_

_(To Keira:)_ I don't think I invited a bunch of dying animals to my party.

DREW: How is she dying?

DAXTER: She's, uh…

KEIRA: Screeeee! Boom! _(Falls over.)_

DAXTER: She's getting hit by zoomers.

DREW: Yes.

_(Buzzer, applause. Keira returns to her seat. Torn is pretending to shovel food onto his plate again.)_

TORN: I believe I'll go back for seconds, 'ey. And thirds and fourths.

DAXTER: And you're Krew at a buffet!

_(Buzzer, applause. Daxter and Torn return to their seats.)_

DREW: That was great. A million points to each of you. Now let's play one of my favorite games: "Scenes from a Hat." This is for all four of you.

_(Cheers and applause as the four stand in pairs on either side of the stage; Jak and Keira are on one side, Torn and Keira on the other.)_

Before the show, we ask the audience to write down suggestions for scenes. We take the _good_ ones and put 'em in this hat—we throw out the crappy ones—and we draw them at random and see how many our performers can act out for you, starting with…"_Jak II_—" ha ha ha. "_Jak II _roles as played by William Shatner."

_(Jak comes out.)_

JAK: _Praxiiiiiiiis!_

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)_

KEIRA: Remember, the…first rule, of…making a bomb, is to…_always _make two.

_(Buzzer. She goes back.)_

DREW: All right. "Baby Krew's first words."

AUDIENCE: Awwwww.

_(Daxter comes out.)_

DAXTER: _(babbles)_ Pizza.

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)_

KEIRA: Ah-goo-goo. Money, 'ey.

_(Buzzer. She goes back, Jak comes out.)_

JAK: Waahhh, I'm stuck in da cwib! Waaahhh!

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Torn comes out.)_

TORN: Waahhh, I'm stuck in Mommy! Waaahhh!

_(Buzzer. He goes back.)_

DREW: "Unwise things to say to a Krimzon Guard."

_(Keira comes out.)_

KEIRA: I loved you in _Robocop._

_(Buzzer. She goes back, Daxter comes out.)_

DAXTER: Well, you know what they say: the bigger the gun, the smaller the—_(Pretends to get punched in the face.)_

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Torn comes out.)_

TORN: You'd look pretty with pink armor.

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Jak comes out.)_

JAK: I didn't mean to run over you, sir. I tried to hit the brake pedal, but my beer fell and got lodged behind it when I was reaching for my gun.

_(Buzzer. He goes back.)_

DREW: "What Daxter is thinking right now."

_(Jak comes out.)_

JAK: _(dances suggestively) _I'm—too sexy for my shirt—too sexy for my shirt—so sexy it hurts!

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)_

KEIRA: _(cranes her neck) _I wish Keira would stand on this side so I could check out her ass.

_(Buzzer. She goes back.)_

DREW: "Things we hope Torn will never say."

_(Jak comes out.)_

JAK: _(cranes his neck)_ I wish Jak would stand on this side so I could check out his ass.

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Daxter comes out.)_

DAXTER: _(singing and prancing)_ I feel pretty—oh so pretty—I feel pretty and witty and gay!

_(Buzzer. He goes back, Keira comes out.)_

KEIRA: I know every Britney Spears song by heart! Number one: _(Opens her mouth as if to start singing.)_

_(Long buzzer. The four return to their seats.)_

DREW: 5,000 points to Jak, Torn, and Keira; minus 500 points to Daxter for giving us the image of Torn singing "I Feel Pretty." _(shudders)_ All right, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go anywhere!


	2. Part 2

**Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II**

**Part 2**

**by Phoenix Flower**

DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?"—the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. I'm Drew Carey, and I'm a brick house; I'm mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out.

_(Torn shudders.)_

Let's keep things going with a game called "Irish Drinking Song." This is for all four of you, with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. These guys are gonna make up an Irish drinking song one line at a time. What I need from the audience is a suggestion of a really hard _Jak II_ mission.

MAN IN AUDIENCE: "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers!"

DREW: "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers." So you guys are gonna sing the "Destroy five Hellcat cruisers" Irish drinking song. Take it away.

_(Music begins.)_

ALL: _Ohhhhh…hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!_

JAK: _I went down to the hideout…_

KEIRA: _…and I talked to Torn._

DAXTER: _He said he had a mission for me…_

TORN _(tentatively, trying to think of a rhyme)_: _And…then I…ate some corn._

JAK _(laughing)_: _There were five Hellcat cruisers…_

KEIRA: _…patrolling the streets…_

DAXTER: _…and I had to destroy them._

TORN: _It sounded really neat._

ALL: _Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!_

KEIRA: _I went out to the streets…_

DAXTER: _…and saw them flying around._

TORN: _I pulled out my morph gun…_

JAK: _…and chased a cruiser down._

KEIRA: _The guards got really angry…_

DAXTER: _…and started chasing me._

TORN: _I shot down the cruiser…_

JAK: _…and turned it to debris!_

ALL: _Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!_

DAXTER: _The guards were trying to kill me…_

TORN: _…and so I ran and hid…_

JAK: _…until the alert went down._

KEIRA: _That is what I did._

DAXTER: _I came out of hiding…_

TORN: _…and hunted down the rest…_

JAK: _…and I shot them all down._

KEIRA: _It really was the best!_

ALL: _Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di!_

TORN: _I blew up all the cruisers._

JAK: _The mission was completed._

KEIRA: _I felt very proud._

DAXTER: _I felt a bit conceited._

TORN: _I knew that I could do it…_

JAK: _…if I tried hard enough._

KEIRA: _There's really nothing to it._

DAXTER: _Look, I'm in the buff!_

_(Jak, Keira, and Torn laugh so hard that they have trouble finishing the song.)_

ALL: _Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-di! Oh, hi dee-di dee-di dee-di dee-diiii dee diiii dee diiiiiiiiiii!_

_(Buzzer. Audience cheers and applauds. They return to their seats, still laughing.)_

DREW: 10,000 points to Daxter on that one for reminding us how slack the censors have gotten about nudity. Okay, let's go on to a game called "Scene to Rap." This is for all four of you again, with the help of Mixmaster Laura Hall and DJ Jazzy Linda Taylor! What I need from the audience is the name of a hit movie.

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: _Finding Nemo!_

DREW: _Finding Nemo._ Okay, you guys are gonna rap a scene about _Finding Nemo._ Take it away.

_(Rap music begins.)_

JAK: _Yo—my name's Marlin and I'm here to say / My son Nemo was kidnapped today! / I'll find him if I have to search the seven seas. / Won't somebody help me, please?_

KEIRA: _My name's Dory and I'll try to assist, / But first I think I should tell you this. / It's something that's not gonna make you happy: / My short-term memory is beyond crappy!_

TORN _(Australian accent)_: _I'm Bruce the shark and I smell blood. / Now, little mates, your names are mud. / Just a nibble, just a bite. / I'm having fish tonight!_

KEIRA: _Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh-no-no! / Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh-no-no!_

JAK: _A frenzied shark and exploding mines— / This ain't my idea of a good time!_

DAXTER: _N to the E to the M to the O! / I'm trapped in a tank and I wanna go! / I'm gettin' scared, I'm gettin' sad, / So hurry your ass up and save me, Dad!_

TORN _(surfer accent)_: _Yo, dude and dudette, there ain't no doubt. / I'm Crush the turtle and I'll help you out. / We're ridin' the current, so hold on tight / 'Cause you're in for one "shell" of a ride! / Say heyyy!_

_(Torn, Jak, and Keira form a conga line. Daxter does the Moonwalk.)_

JAK, KEIRA, DAXTER, & AUDIENCE: _Heyyy!_

TORN: _Say hohhh!_

JAK, KEIRA, DAXTER, & AUDIENCE: _Hohhh!_

KEIRA: _Boy, it sure is lucky for us / That Bruce the shark turned into Crush!_

_(Jak and Torn laugh.)_

JAK: _C'mon, Dory, let's find my boy, / Because he is my pride and joy. / After this adventure, things won't be the same._

KEIRA: _Who are you and how do you know my name?_

_(Buzzer. Audience cheers and applauds. The four return to their seats.)_

DREW: A million points to Torn for turning into Crush. Now let's play a game called "Changed Letter." This is for all four of you. Boy, this is a busy episode for all of you, isn't it? This is a fun game to play with your mom without telling her first. These guys are gonna act out a scene for you; Jak and Keira are gonna start, and Torn and Daxter are gonna come in later. However, they can't say the letter T; they have to replace it with G. The scene is…"A peaceful picnic in the countryside goes wrong." Take it away whenever you're ready. Can't say T; gotta say G.

KEIRA: Whag a beaugiful day for a picnic.

JAK: Yes, ig cergainly is.

KEIRA: Leg's spread the blankeg righg here, under ghis gree.

JAK: Ghis is quige a lovely spog. Leg's gake ghe food oug of ghe baskeg. _(laughs)_

KEIRA: Did you remember go bring ghe wine?

JAK: Of course. Did you ghink I would forgeg?

_(They sit side by side.)_

KEIRA: This is so romangic. I love you, Gimoghy.

JAK: I love you goo, Sgephanie.

TORN: Hi, guys! How's ig goin'?

JAK: Gommy, whag are you doing here?

KEIRA: We wang-ed go be alone gogegher gogay—_(corrects herself) _goday! _(laughs)_

TORN: _(sitting down beside them)_ Oh, don'g mind me. You won'g even nogice I'm here. Whag's ghere go eag?

JAK: Whag?

TORN: Go eag. Whag food do you have go eag?

_(Keira laughs at the brief confusion.)_

KEIRA: Um, well, ghere are gurkey sandwiches.

JAK: And some Dieg Coke.

DAXTER: Hey! You guys weng on a picnic and didn'g invige _me?_

KEIRA: Oh, nog anogher ingerloper.

DAXTER: Hey, Gommy, pass ghe Gosgigos. _(Torn looks confused.)_ Ghe Gosgigos. Ghe chips—pass ghe chips! _(Torn laughs and hands him an imaginary bowl.)_

KEIRA _(to Jak)_: Our romangic afgernoon gogegher didn'g gurn oug quige ghe way we planned, did ig?

JAK: Nog exacgly.

KEIRA: Oh, ghe heck wigh ghose gwo. Kiss me!

_(They kiss passionately. Buzzer. Torn and Daxter return to their seats, but Jak and Keira remain seated, kissing.)_

DREW: We'll be right back, find out who the winner is. Don't go away!


	3. Part 3

**Whose Line is it Anyway: The Return of Jak II**

**by Phoenix Flower**

****

DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?". Keira is the winner tonight!

_(Cheers and applause. Keira leans back, hands folded behind her head.)_

The rest of us are gonna play our favorite game in the whole world: "Hoedown"! With the help of Laura Hall on the piano! Somebody in this section of the audience, tell me something you're looking forward to in _Jak 3_.

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Riding lizards!

DREW: Riding lizards. So we're gonna sing the Riding Lizards Hoedown. Laura Hall, take it away!

_(Laura starts hoedown music. Audience claps in rhythm.)_

JAK: _I'm gonna ride lizards in the next game. / It should be like riding a flut-flut but not quite the same. / I hope the seat's more comfortable, 'cause let me tell you, mister— / You don't wanna know where I got some real bad blisters!_

DREW: _This game is the only place where riding lizards belongs. / I tried it elsewhere once, and things went very wrong. / It got really angry and its jaws were snappin'. / I never should have tried that with a komodo dragon._

TORN: _There's a lot of stuff in _Jak 3 _to anticipate, / And it all sounds really, really great. / The lizards are among the things that excite me the most. / By the way, Drew, that rhyme wasn't even close!_

DAXTER: _I went to ride my lizard just the other day, / But it was being ornery and it would not obey. / I gave it a good scare to get it back in line: / I put the thought of Torn singing "I Feel Pretty" into its mind!_

ALL: _Into its mi-i-i-i-ind!_

_(Buzzer.)_

DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go away.

_**COMMERCIALS**_

DREW: Welcome back, everybody. We're gonna end the show tonight with everybody reading the credits. I want you guys to read the credits as opera singers warming up for a performance. Thanks for watching, everybody. G'night.

KEIRA: _Da-a-an Pa-a-tterson._

JAK: _Bruuuuuce Gowers._

TORN: Where's Linda Taylor with my water?

DAXTER: I haven't seen her around; ask Mark Leveson. _Alison Sideriiiiiiis!_

TORN: _Da-a-nny-y Accomando._

JAK: _(coughs, puts his hand to his throat)_ I think I strained my Denise O'Donaghue.

THE END


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